The AMSS!
by Welsh-dragoon
Summary: The Fellowship as the Anti Mary-Sue Squad! See the downfall of some of the worst peoples since...well...since Sauron! RR! Chapter five up!
1. Preparation

Disclaimer: All characters belong to JRR Tolkien. The attempted 'plot' belongs to me.  
  
Warning: This fic is another of Welsh-dragoon's attempts at humour. You have been warned!  
  
The A.M.S.S.!  
  
  
  
"Gandalf! Gandalf!" Frodo cried, running towards the wizard, "Another has been spotted!"  
  
Gandalf groaned.  
  
"Not another one! How many does that make?" Aragorn counted on his fingers.  
  
"That makes it the sixteenth one this morn!"  
  
"Something MUST be done! Aragorn, take charge!" Gandalf said.  
  
"What about you Gandalf?" Aragorn asked. Gandalf turned with a smirk on his face.  
  
"Oh I'll be the intelligent one on this mission..."  
  
  
  
The fellowship were sitting among some rocks, debating where to go first.  
  
"I say Mirkwood! That's where they mostly appear!" Legolas stated. "Always attacking us poor elves!"  
  
"Very well, we shall go there first. Gandalf? Does this please you?" Aragorn turned to find the Istari blowing smoke loops. "Gandalf!"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"We are to go to Mirkwood." Aragorn repeated.  
  
"Very well. After all, that's where we will find many of what we hunt." Boromir got up from his rock and stalked towards Aragorn.  
  
"And just how are we supposed to defend ourselves from these...things?"  
  
"With our wits of course Boromir!" Pippin piped up. Getting a glare form the man, Pippin sunk back down.  
  
"You have a sword do you not, Boromir?" Gandalf asked  
  
"Well, yes..."  
  
"Use your common sense man!" Boromir muttered something about wizards thinking they knew it all and sat back down.  
  
"Get your equipment together. We set out for Mirkwood at first light!"  
  
  
  
The hobbits packed up their rucksacks with food, which was almost twice their own weight. Gimli was cleaning his axe, a smile playing on his features. He was looking forward to using it again.  
  
"Why can't you take a bath yourself Gimli? That axe is cleaner than you!" Gimli looked up to the elf.  
  
"Listen here, Mr. I'm Dirt Repellent. I don't have time to take a bath. I'm out slaying orcs and whatnots!" Legolas snorted and continued tightening his bowstrings. Boromir and Aragorn were sheathing their weapons and putting on their rucksacks when Frodo walked over.  
  
"Aragorn?"  
  
"What is it Master Frodo?"  
  
Frodo shuffled his feet.  
  
"Well, I was wondering if you could tell me what a Mary-Sue is..."  
  
  
  
  
  
Let me say now, there are some very good Mary-Sues out there, but, sadly, they are outweighed by bad ones. I am NOT dissing ALL Mary-Sues!  
  
I plan to write more soon! I have it all written down in rough!  
  
Want the next chapter? Review please! Tell me what you think! 


	2. Mirkwood

Disclaimer: I only own the plot...All characters belong to Tolkien.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
  
  
And so the Fellowship found themselves in Mirkwood. Walking under the dark trees, they quietly made their way to Thranduil's palace. Gandalf was in the lead, as usual, with Aragorn following closely behind.  
  
"How much further is it to your home Legolas?" Pippin whined. He and Merry looked around, searching for the elf. "Legolas?" The two of them stopped and waited for the rest of the fellowship to pass. Gimli was taking up the rear.  
  
"Would you get off me!" Merry and Pippin heard him shout.  
  
"B-but the Mary Sues will get meeeee!" A high-pitched voice wailed. The two hobbits turned to face each other and both said  
  
"Found him" Gimli noticed them and mouthed a 'Get him off!'. Pippin nodded and poked Legolas in the side. Letting out a loud giggle, Legolas fell to the ground. Gimli stepped over him.  
  
"Thank you, young Pippin." He said, and went after the rest of the Fellowship. Legolas glared up at them from his spot on the grass  
  
"Mind telling me why you did that?"  
  
"Gimli asked us to."  
  
"Oh I see. And if I asked you to go jump off one of the Misty Mountains, would you?"  
  
"Of course not! That's absurd! There are Stone Giants up there!" Pippin said.  
  
"And they throw rocks at each other!" Merry agreed. Legolas put his head in his hands.  
  
"Why am I surrounded by idiots?"  
  
"Because you love us to bits!" Pippin said. "Ask us another!"  
  
  
  
After being persuaded not to hide behind Gimli, Legolas and the others continued with their journey.  
  
"It's very quiet Aragorn." Frodo told the ranger.  
  
"Too quiet. There's something amiss." Frodo looked around.  
  
"What is it, Master Frodo?" Sam asked. Suddenly there was a shriek. Everyone turned around to find Legolas being glomped by many girls. They all looked the same, long hair and big eyes. Their attire was more or less the same; velvet dresses varying in colour.  
  
"Help...me..." Legolas squeaked, before being dragged down.  
  
"We must act quickly! If he's under those girls for much longer, then he will turn into something fouler than an orc!"  
  
"What will he turn into Gandalf?" Frodo asked. But the wizard would not say.  
  
"Hurry! Attack!" Aragorn shouted, notching an arrow to his bow. Boromir and the hobbits ran into the mass of Mary-Sues. Boromir was grabbing hold of them and throwing them off the elf. Each and every one landed at Gandalf's feet. The wizard looked down at them. He shook his head.  
  
"Such sad cases." Gimli, who refused to help the elf, was standing next to Gandalf.  
  
"Haven't they got anything better to do? Legolas isn't that good looking!" They turned back to the 'fight'. The hobbits were attacking the girls, biting their ankles and tripping them up.  
  
"Legolas!" Boromir shouted, flinging Mary-Sues all over the place. The elf became visible. "He's unconscious!"  
  
"Well at least he won't complain about the nasty spiders!" Gimli grunted. Gandalf took his pipe out of his mouth and grabbed his staff from nearby. Mumbling a few words, he threw his arm out in front of him. The Mary-Sues levitated, and then flew different ways. Boromir and Aragorn gave Gandalf dirty looks.  
  
"You could have done that all along?"  
  
"Of course. I AM a wizard after all..."  
  
  
  
"What happened to me?" Legolas groggily asked. Gimli peered down at him.  
  
"You were attacked by Mary-Sues."  
  
"I was? Oh." Legolas rubbed an eye, and then looked down. "ARGH! Where've my clothes gone?"  
  
"Gandalf performed a spell that lifted the Mary-Sues off you, and literally threw them away. Unfortunately, they were holding onto your garments a little too tightly."  
  
"So when they went, so did your clothes." Aragorn said. "You can borrow some of mine until we get to your home." Legolas's nose crinkled in disgust.  
  
"No thank you. I would rather go naked." Pippin looked at Legolas.  
  
"But you still have part of your leggings! You need not go naked!"  
  
"Shut up Pippin!" Merry said. Legolas ignored them and turned to Gimli.  
  
"I suppose that you didn't lend a stump in helping me?" Gimli was taken aback.  
  
"I'll have you know that it isn't a stump, it's a hand, just like yours. And no, I didn't see it worth my time to help you. What's one less elf?"  
  
"Ah, but he is the Prince of Mirkwood!" said Sam.  
  
"Pfft! He'll never inherit Mirkwood!" Gimli snorted.  
  
"Don't rub it in..." Legolas whined.  
  
  
  
End chapter two.  
  
  
  
Erk! I hope I got that Stone Giants bit right...I hoped you all liked that...my friends seemed to.  
  
Oh! A.M.S.S. means 'Anti Mary-Sue Squad', if you hadn't picked up on that.  
  
Review please! 


	3. To Rivendell!

Disclaimer: I no own, you no sue.  
  
~  
  
After they had. . .tended to Legolas's nearly clothless state (wrapping him up in a sack, earning lots of naughty words in both Common Speech and Elven from the Prince), the fellowship arrived at Thranduil's home. Legolas dressed in identical clothes to the ones he had lost, and he and the rest of the Fellowship had some food (Pippin hid lots more in his trousers), and took leave.  
  
~  
  
"Legolas, do you have an extra lot of clothing, in case you get nekkid again?" Pippin asked, smiling. Legolas scowled. Pippin took the hint and ran ahead. Gandalf fell back in line to join Aragorn.  
  
"I hear Arwen is in need of help." Aragorn nodded.  
  
"Indeed. To Rivendell we must go. Elrond sent a runner to Thranduil."  
  
"A runner?"  
  
"Glorfindel. Arwen wanted to come herself, but he kicked her out of the way."  
  
Gandalf raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Violence against your fiancée? Aren't you angry?" Aragorn shook his head. "They have been best friends for a long time. It's the sort of behaviour you'd expect.  
  
~  
  
On the way to Rivendell, black riders intervened. Stab, stab, fire ARGH! Maimed ringwraiths. Oops! There goes Frodo's shoulder! Suddenly, Arwen rides up.  
  
"Aragorn! You must hurry to Rivendell! There are too many of them!"  
  
"Too many of what?"  
  
"Girls who call themselves elves, though it is clear to all that they resemble no elf! They come at me with knives! Knives Aragorn! You have to come!" Looking down to Frodo, she added, "Oh! And we must get the Halfling to my father!" Arwen leapt off 'her' horse and ran over to Frodo. Aragorn was left holding the horse, Asfaloth.  
  
"This is Glorfindel's horse, is it not?"  
  
"No, its mine! He always takes my things!" Seeing the look on Aragorn's face, she looked back at Frodo. "Oh alright! Is his! But Glorfy lets me borrow him from time to time." Attempting to lift Frodo, Arwen turned to her lover. "Help my with this fat hobbit!"  
  
"Now don't you be mean about Mister Frodo's weight! I'm the fat one on this quest! Be you an Elf or no, I'll have no one speak of Mister Frodo that way!" Sam said.  
  
Aragorn lifted Frodo up onto the saddle. Arwen got on Asfaloth.  
  
"They will pursue you."  
  
"Who? Those weird girls?"  
  
"No! The Black Riders!"  
  
"Oh, right!" And with that, Arwen galloped off. Dangerous ride through a wood, get rid of Ringwraiths at river. We have arrived at Rivendell!!  
  
~  
  
Oh, doesn't time fly when you're in Middle Earth? Sooooooo . . . Did you enjoy chapter 3? Well it's really chapter 2 and a half . . .I won't be able to get any more chapters up for a while. . . stuff going on at home . . . Review please! 


	4. Rivendell!

I have risen from the dead to bring you the next part! Disclaimer time! I don't own, so you no sue!  
  
~  
  
Rivendell part 2  
  
~  
  
Arwen and Frodo (and Asfaloth) arrived at Rivendell late in the evening. Elrond was there to greet them.  
  
"Quick! To the infirmary with this little hobbit!" Arwen looked at him strangely.  
  
"We have an infirmary?"  
  
"Ah, no. Just an empty room." He pointed in the direction of the 'infirmary'. Arwen hurriedly hurried to get Frodo set right.  
  
~  
  
"So, you let Arwen ride off, with the ring bearer? Great thinking, oh Mighty Ranger!" Legolas sneered. Merry and Pippin's ears twitched upon hearing this remark, and they began humming a tune.  
  
"I thought it was! At least Frodo will get taken care of. Unlike your want to, and I quote, 'Cut the wound out of him with a twig.'" Aragorn said to the elf  
  
"I said that?!"  
  
"It was either you or the dwarf." Gimli and Legolas looked at one another.  
  
"He did!" They both cried, pointing to each other. Aragorn sighed.  
  
"Never mind. Now, let's get to Rivendell!"  
  
~  
  
"Whaaa... Where am I?" Frodo blinked, getting the sleep out of his eyes. A girl was sitting by his bedside, watching him closely. "Who are you?" Frodo asked the girl, clutching his blankets.  
  
"Me? Oh I'm just your average Mary-Sue girl! Now, give me a kiss, you hot hunk of a hobbit!" She lunged for Frodo.  
  
"ARGH!!" Frodo leaped away from the bed, and onto the floor. "ARAGORN! HELP ME!!" The girl, finding her quarry not to be on the bed, turned around and grinned at him. Frodo whimpered, mumbling incoherent things to nobody in particular. Suddenly the door was thrown open, and the girl was dragged back by a dark haired elf.  
  
"I am indeed sorry to keep you waiting Master Hobbit, but urgent matters required me elsewhere." A female elf walked past. She caught the eye of Frodo's rescuer and giggled, never breaking her step. Frodo raised an eyebrow  
  
"I see. And you are...?"  
  
"Oh! Yes, my name! I am Elladan, twin brother of Elrohir." Frodo nodded, and sat on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Pardon my inquisitiveness, but do you happen to know Stri-Aragorn?" Elladan smiled.  
  
"Ah yes, the Ranger. He is engaged to my sister you know."  
  
"Is he? Who is your sister?"  
  
"Why, the Lady Arwen!" Seeing Frodo's surprised expression, he continued, "Did you not know that we are siblings?"  
  
"I did not. But I see the resemblance now." A feral growl was heard, and they broke their conversation to look down at the girl. She was frothing at the mouth, and none too pleased at not having her hobbit.  
  
"I am sorry for this....incident. I do not know how she managed to get in. My brother and myself had locked all the Mary-Sues we found in a broom cupboard. Obviously we missed one."  
  
"It would be appreciated if that... thing could be removed from here. It's making me chill." Frodo stated. Elladan nodded.  
  
"Ah yes. I must apologise once again for the inconvenience. My father will wish to talk to you. I must go now. Nap well, little hobbit!" Elladan said, dragging the frothing girl away. The door was closed behind him, only to be flung open again.  
  
"Frodo! Mister Frodo!"  
  
"Hullo Sam."  
  
"That elf... he-he had one of them... girls. Did one attack you?" The look of worry was evident in Sam's face. Frodo chuckled  
  
"No Sam, I am fine. She nearly got me though."  
  
~  
  
The remainder of the Fellowship arrived at Rivendell, rather late, as was pointed out by Gimli.  
  
"Look! It's nearly night-time! We're late!"  
  
"Hush Dwarf! Look upon Rivendell with astonishment, for not many dwarves come here." Legolas said to the dwarf. Gimli just 'hmphed' and followed Gandalf into the main building. They were met by Elrond.  
  
"You made it! It's about time!"  
  
"Sorry Lord Elrond, but certain people insisted on climbing trees to look for squirrels..." Aragorn said, casting a glance at Merry and Pippin.  
  
"What? They told us they had biscuits!" Elrond chuckled and turned back to the Ranger.  
  
"Elladan and Elrohir have locked the girls in a small, dark room. As we speak, they are being checked upon and watered."  
  
"How is our cousin Frodo?" Pippin asked  
  
"Your cousin is fine, Peregrin Took. There was a mishap earlier, but all has been taken care of." Merry and Pippin's eyes widened. They ran off to find out what had befallen their cousin.  
  
"Gandalf, we require your magic to get rid of these nuisances. Follow me, if you will." Elrond headed in the direction of the Mary-Sue prison. Gandalf followed, but was stopped by Gimli.  
  
"And what exactly are we to do here?"  
  
"You, my friends, can go and make sure that Merry and young Pippin do not get themselves into any trouble. I will see you soon." And he left. Gimli frowned.  
  
"We traipse through mud and fire, ash and water, and what do we have to do? Baby-sit hobbits!"  
  
"Um...Gimli? The traipsing through fire and water happens later." Legolas reminded him. Gimli frowned once again and raced off after the young hobbits.  
  
"Shall we?" Legolas asked Aragorn.  
  
"Please, after you"  
  
~  
  
"Here we are. In that room, are some of the foulest things in Middle- Earth, besides dwarves anyway." Gandalf turned a deaf ear to the last remark. Stepping up to the door, he rapped sharply on it. Hissing could be heard from the other side. Gandalf took a step back.  
  
"Hum... It sounds as though they are more rabid than the ones who attacked Legolas. Tell me, did they go after Frodo?"  
  
"They did." Gandalf 'hummed' again. "And I do not know whether Arwen told you, but a few tried to slay her. Dark days are these." Elrond added.  
  
"Rightyho!" Gandalf stepped back up to the door. Mumbling a few words, he lifted his staff high above his head, and brought it back down again, cracking the stone floor. "Go back to the world from which you came! Foul temptresses, do not meddle in other worlds you know nothing of!" There was a loud crashing sound, and the door flew open, banging against the wall. The girls shot out of the door and in all directions. One attempted to hold onto the doorframe, but was hit by another flying girl and lost her grip.  
  
"How many did you lock up in here?" Gandalf asked Elrond. Elrond shrugged and watched as one girl went spinning around the chandelier, getting her hair singed.  
  
~  
  
Soon, all the girls had been taken care of. Elrond went off to survey the damage done by the girls in flight, while Gandalf headed for Frodo's room. Here, he found the rest of the fellowship, all talking at once.  
  
"To the Mines of Moria! There are bound to be plenty to get rid of!" Gimli was saying.  
  
"Oh yes! Of course! There are sooo many rabid fan girls who just WANT to glomp a dwarf..." Legolas replied.  
  
"Are you insulting my race?" Gimli tightened his grip on his axe.  
  
"No! I'm making the flowers grow! Of course I'm insulting your race!" They continued to bicker. Aragorn, Boromir and the hobbits groaned.  
  
"Why do we have to put up with this Gandalf?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"I do not know. But what I do know, which is an awful lot, is that the danger that's is Mary-Sues, is over." Everyone, including Legolas and Gimli, looked at him in wonder.  
  
"Really Gandalf? Are you sure?"  
  
"Did you really kill them all?" Legolas asked. Gandalf laughed nervously  
  
"Err...well, I didn't KILL them...I just sent them back to where they came from!" Mutterings of 'Oh!' came from the fellowship.  
  
"That really is great news Gandalf!" Gimli said, "Now, are we finally going to get out of this elf ridden place?"  
  
"All in good time, Master Dwarf. There is something I must see to." Aragorn said, and left the room.  
  
"Where's he going Gandalf?" Pippin asked, watching Aragorn's retreating form.  
  
"I would tell you, if you were but a little older..." Gandalf said, with a twinkle in his eye.  
  
"Ooooh! Gandalf! Your eye went all shiny!" Pippin exclaimed  
  
~  
  
You can guess where Aragorn buggered off to...the next chapter will be up whenever...probably after my AS level exams...and I thought GCSEs were hard. Damn. More up soon! I hope! 


	5. The Mines of Moria

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns the characters, I just borrowed them…can I keep Aragorn? Pleeease? Oh…

Chapter 5

With little to no mishaps coming out of Mirkwood, the Fellowship continued on to the Mines of Moria.

"Are the mines haunted Gandalf?" Pippin asked, and promptly got elbowed in the gut.

"Shut up Pippin! Can't you see Gandalf is concentrating?" Merry whispered.  Pippin looked hard at Gandalf.  

"Is there a certain expression for a concentrating wizard Merry?" 

As the mines drew ever closer, the arguments started up again.

"Why do we have to go into that dank place? It smells and the atmosphere will ruin my hair!" 

"Shut up Elf! Look upon the mines in wonder.  See all that they give, be amazed at the workmanship." Legolas snorted.

"_Workmanship_? Pah! The only workmanship I can see is a crudely carven door.  With no handle.  I applause the dwarves!" And at this, Legolas clapped his hands together once, and let them drop back to his side.

Gandalf turned to face them and held up a hand.  "Stop!" He looked around, poked a rock with his staff, and beckoned them to "Carry on!" Sam looked to Frodo.

"Do you think Gandalf is losing it, Mister Frodo?" Frodo merely shrugged and followed the wizard.  At the rear of the Fellowship, Boromir was trying to get Aragorn to give him one of the elves addresses.

"Come on man.  I look for a wife! Surely you would not deny me the pleasure of waking up each morning to a loving homely atmosphere?" 

"Boromir! I have asked Arwen to ask around.  Now will you please stop bothering me?" Aragorn said, then hurried up to the front of the group, and conversed with Gimli.

"Yes, you see that bit of the mine there?" Gimli pointed to a large rock.  Aragorn squinted to see it.

"You mean that one there?"

"No! That one over there!"

"Oh…what about it?"

"That was put there by my great, great, great, great…"

Around about an hour later…you can never be too certain about the time in Middle Earth…the Fellowship arrived at the door to the Mine.  The moonlight came down, highlighting the runes on the door.  Gandalf ran a hand over the door.

"You won't find a door handle there, Gandalf.  You need a special password." Gimli stated.  Gandalf turned to the dwarf.  

"Master Gimli.  I do know these things.  I am a wizard you know." Gandalf's eye twinkled again.  Pippin poked Merry.  

"Look Merry! Gandalf's eye went shiny again!" 

"Peregrin Took! Unless you have something constructive to say, say nothing at all!" Gandalf said to the young hobbit, but his eye still twinkled.  

"Gandalf, can you do that with both eyes?" 

"I…what?!"

"It must be very good for reading in bed…" 

"Be silent Peregrin! You shall be sent to Coventry unless you cease this endless chatter!"

"But Gandalf! I don't know where Coventry is!" 

"It means no-one will be allowed to talk to you."

"Oh.  Well that's silly now, isn't it!" Pippin said.  Merry gave him a 'shut up you fool' look, and Pippin was silent.  Gandalf raised his head, as if inspecting the air.

"Ah that's better.  Keep it like that for a while Master Peregrin." Gandalf said.  Then he whacked his staff on the door.  The door creaked, rattled, nearly fell off its hinges, but didn't.  The wizard gave it a good kick, still nothing.  

After trying numerous things, Gandalf gave up and sat on a rock, muttering "Oh its useless." Merry ambled over to the door.  A big round button a few inches above his head was calling out to him.    'PRESS ME!' So Merry did the only thing he could do…he pressed it.  A loud chiming was heard from deep within, followed by someone shouting "Just a minute!".  Gandalf glared at Merry.  Aragorn and Boromir drew their swords, Gimli readied his axe, and Legolas dropped his bow.  The hobbits drew closer to each other.  They believed in safety in numbers.  The door was flung open with considerable force, and a dark shape looked out.  

"Yes?" Seeing the Fellowship, he said, "Mary-Sue exterminators?" The nine companions nodded as one, and lowered their weapons.  "Through here." The dark shape stepped aside, and allowed the Fellowship to enter the mine.  As they passed it, they realised that the dark shape was, in fact, a Balrog.  

"Don't mind Basil.  He's as soft as they come.  Raising a family in here don't you know?" Gandalf said, as Aragorn and Boromir kept a hand on the hilt of their swords.  

Basil lead them through a long passage, short passage to him, and stopped outside a door labelled 'Betty's rwm. Keyp awt!'.  Basil looked pointedly at them.  

"My daughter's room.  She's going through her teenage years.  Doesn't want to be Daddy's little girl anymore!" He sniffled and knocked on the door.  "Darling? Betty! You have to come out so the exterminators can do their job…Betty?" Basil opened the door slowly.  Aragorn, who was in front, much to the annoyance of Gandalf, craned his neck to see past Basil.  He was shocked at what he found.  Betty, a mini Balrog, was sitting on her rock bed, plaiting the hair of a very unlucky Mary-Sue.  Looking over to one of the corners of  the room, he saw the rest of the girls holding onto one another, quivering in fear.  

"Betty! Stop playing with the vermin and get out of your room so the exterminators can exterminate these…things!" 

"But Daddy! I was doing her hair! Its not fair! I want hair!" Betty screamed, and stomped out of her room, heading off to the kitchen to "Tell Mum I want to have a lock on my door!".  Basil sighed.  

"The sad thing is, I have three more daughters and two sons yet to go through this!"

"Err…yes.  I know how you feel! I have to put up with Legolas and Gimli's constant bickering!" Aragorn said, and attempted to pat Basil's shoulder.  Basil raised a flaming eyebrow at the man.  

"You mean the dwarf and the elf? Teenagers are worse, believe me.  You'll see when you and that lovely daughter of Elrond have children." At Aragorn's shocked expression, he went on to explain how fast gossip travels in this part of Middle Earth.

"We cannot waste anymore time!" Gimli stated.  Gandalf nodded.

"You are right Gimli.  How shall we go about doing this?" 

"How about using bait?" Boromir suggested.

"An exellent idea!" Gandalf said.  "What can we use?"

"This!" Gimli shouted, and pushed Legolas into the room.

"Gimli! I am not a 'this'! I am an elf.  Get used to the wor-ARGH!" Legolas was cut off as a Mary-Sue attached herself to his lips.  Everyone, save Legolas, turned to Boromir.

"Now what?" 

"Why are you asking me?"

"You're the one who came up with the bait idea." 

"That doesn't mean I had a plan!" 

"I have an idea…" Pippin piped up.  And went ignored.

"What was the point of suggesting using Legolas as bait, if you didn't have a fully planned out plan?"

"First off, I didn't suggest using the elf, it was Gimli.  If its anyone's fault, its his!" 

"Don't bring me down with you Boromir!" 

Pippin shrugged and walked into the room.  Using the handle of his sword, he knocked each and every girl out cold.  The one on the elf's lips was left until last, just because "It made a hilarious scene!".

Pippin cupped his hands over his mouth. "I've done it! We can send them back now!" 

Everyone turned to him, astonished.  

"Did you really do that Pip?" Asked an amazed Merry.  Pippin nodded.  

"I did!" Gandalf pushed Pippin aside.  

"I will take over thank you.  Aragorn! Get this elf out into the fresh…err…fresher air!" Aragorn nodded and, with help from Boromir, he dragged the elf outside.  The rest of the Fellowship and Basil left Gandalf to the task of cleaning up 'Pippin's mess'.  

The Fellowship were invited to stay for a cup of tea.  Belinda, Basil's wife of 23 years, was serving them enormous slices of chocolate cake.  The hobbits' eyes gleamed at the sight of food and Pippin was heard to say to Merry, "Your eyes are all shiny now!".  

"Gandalf, I must thank you once again for getting rid of those things.  They were distracting Betty from her homework.  She is forever getting in trouble for not doing enough."

Gandalf nodded.  "All in a day's work.  Legolas, are you done yet?" The elf was standing on a stool over the kitchen sink, scrubbing his mouth with Belinda's pan scourer.  

"I'll never get the foul taste out of my mouth!" He complained.  

"Gandalf, we have to get going.  Haldir sent a runner to Elrond, who sent a runner to me, saying that there are yet more girls to get rid of in Lothlorien." Aragorn said, and sipped his tea.  Boromir banged his fist on the table.

"No! Sorry about that Mrs. Balrog, didn't mean to startle you." 

"That's quite alright dear." Belinda said, mopping up her spilt tea.  Boromir smiled and continued.

"We should go to my city! The threat of Mary-Sues is ever growing! My brother has nightmares of them taking over Gondor!"

"Boromir! Lothlorien is on the way to Gondor.  It is easier to stop at Lothlorien first, then go to Gondor!" Aragorn said.  Gandalf nodded.  Pippin looked up from his chocolate cake.  

"Gandalf! You've been nodding a lot recently!" 

"Wipe your mouth Peregrin!" Gandalf told him.  Pippin was silent for the rest of the chapter.  "In answer to Boromir and Aragorn, we must let the ring bearer decide." Merry nudged Sam.  

"Isn't this bit meant to have been _before_ the mines?" Sam thought about that and nodded.  Frodo was still thinking.  

"Well, I think it would make life a lot easier if we do what Aragorn suggests.  I mean, there isn't much point in going to Gondor first and then turning back to go back to Lothlorien."  Aragorn grinned triumphantly, while Boromir sulked and muttered, "Fine…do what the ranger wants. The heir to the stewardship of Gondor doesn't matter." 

"Ranger?! Heir of Isildur thankyouverymuch!"  Before the argument could get any worse, Basil stood up…

"Wasn't it nice of Basil to show us the way out?" Legolas said, chewing a stalk of mint he had picked from the side of the path.  "The only reason he did that was to stop these men breaking out into a fight.  Honestly, you two are as bad as Legolas and Gimli." Sam said.

"Hey!" The dwarf and elf said together.  Aragorn and Boromir refused to look at each other.  Frodo sighed.

"Well, looks like another normal journey for us then…" 

Don't even ask when the next chapter will be out, but DO review this one! *Grins*


End file.
